It has been a week of learning and researching. Good as it was, I have not had enough time to myself. I have been learning how to organise according to a particular school of thought, because I am interested in building active power blocs in Londres to oppose the landlords and financial lords. The problem with courses like this is they can’t help but propose a template. It isn’t immediately clear to what degree the ways of behaving apply to everyone. People interact in very different ways, and organising well on this model requires, I suspect, intensely outgoing people. I am only partly outgoing: more so when I have more energy, less so when worn down by work or lack of sleep. I feel I would only ever be half a good organiser as a result. This isn’t to do myself down – I have strengths elsewhere, I like to think.
As a result of conversations with the Oracle by the Tamesis I have been thinking a lot about how I see myself and my strengths and weaknesses. My confidence can fluctuate and it is interesting to think about the history of this, and the effect on myself. We all look for approval I think, but the question of how much and what type of approval we want is revealing. I am slow to trust people, and slow to want their approval as a result, yet there is some need for approval still, even with no-one to give it. Most of the time I’ll suppress it or try to hide it – who finds a need for approval attractive? – but it pops up in strange places, not willing to remain totally hidden. It is uncomfortable to be thinking of this when well into one’s thirties, but it is better, I think, to consider it now than never at all.
So I have had much on my mind this week. It makes me want to get out of Londres for a day on my velocipede, where for a while it can be all about my legs and what they can do. Legs have the advantage of being simpler than brains.